Working on a Farm

Despite my best efforts to try and get a Visa for the UK, I had to leave once my six months had ended on March 15th. I was determined to not go too far away from my newly formed relationship, so I arranged a ferry and work-a-way in Ireland. I drove Chewy and myself onto the ferry and we stayed the 11ish hour journey in a cute little cabin. They even served us dinner and then a super early morning breakfast at 2:30am. Unfortunately, the high winds delayed our departure and route as well. We didn’t dock in Dublin until 4am Friday morning. Then to my surprise, there wasn’t a customs or immigration check. Actually, there wasn’t a check at all, I just drove off the boat and out of the docking area. I asked several security workers if they knew how I could get my passport stamped and they didn’t have a clue. I decided to stay in Dublin and wait until the immigration office opened at 9am. I found a place to park and quickly discovered that I can sleep quite well in the backseat of my car for a couple of hours.:) The next morning was chaotic. After being interrogated by customs officers in the past, I was expecting much the same here in Ireland. I found it comical that I had a lot of trouble in actually getting my stamp. I mean, I spent the next three hours in Dublin driving from Garda (police) to Passport Services, Immigration, etc. I paid for parking so many times that during my final stop, I was getting desperate. Everyone kept telling me, don’t worry, you are in Ireland now, you don’t need a stamp. To which I replied, “No, I need a stamp so that the UK knows that I left!” After repeating this over and over I finally got a Garda officer to stamp my passport with the Ireland stamp. I think he did this mostly because he felt sorry for me. No interrogation, no other words were spoken, he just came back out with my passport and said, “there you go.” When I arrived on the farm where I am currently staying, I met another American who had the exact opposite experience. She wasn’t allowed to enter Ireland. Tessa, who is 20 and originally from Los Angeles, told the customs officer at the airport that she was coming to Ireland to do a work-a-way. Which is the same as WOOFing or volunteering in exchange for room and board. Tessa’s Customs officer told her she had the wrong type of Visa and was not able to “work” in Ireland. After a confusing couple of hours, she was allowed to stay in Ireland for only 2 weeks. When this time ended she then went to Germany and organized her trip back. She had to show her bank account balance, letters of reference from the owners of the farm, her family in Germany and her mother also ended up making a donation to this same farm in order to allow her normal tourism access into the country. I am still stunned at the lack of consistency between our situations.

I am working on a farm sanctuary about 45 minutes east of Dublin. The farm consists of 20 horses, 11 pigs, 4 donkeys, 2 sheep, 2 goats, and 4 chickens. They all have names and are all rescued from abusive and/or neglectful pasts. The work is often very hard, shoveling, lifting, pushing, all movements I haven’t practiced in years. My body was very sore after the third day which consisted of a large amount of shoveling pig poo. It was foul, difficult, and seemed never ending. Yet, while I was ankle deep in mud and poo, feeling like I couldn’t physically do anymore, I had an epiphany. I would rather be right where I was instead of being trapped in a cubicle all day. It’s hard work, but it feels good. My body is becoming stronger and that is very empowering. I am proud of the way I can push myself and the things I am able to physically accomplish. I am able to stay on my very low carb diet so my overall moods, digestion and blood sugar feel great! Overall life is going very well. I plan to take the ferry back to Liverpool on April 16th. That should be enough time to allow safe entry back into the UK for another six months.

My favorite part of the workday is training the animals. I am assigned two miniature ponies, Shaft and Onya. They came from a very neglectful owner and weren’t around humans much and when they were it was abusive. I place my hands around their heads for three seconds and then give them carrots. I’ve moved up to trying to put the halter on them. I can get their noses through them, but when I bring the top part of the halter up around their head they run off terrified. Their association is being beaten by a whip. It’s so sad. But little by little I am earning their trust and it’s very gratifying to see them run up to me as soon as I come into their stable. Even though it’s mostly for the carrots, at least they are associating humans to something positive. Something I didn’t expect about the farm is that my favorite animals here are two donkeys, Peanut and Wayne. I’m sure many of you are aware that donkeys are notoriously abused all over the world, even in America. They often lead a very sad, harsh lives. After training the mini’s I will spend time with the two male donkeys. They have such a somber, weighty energy. Very different from the other animals. Even though they are afraid they still willingly stay close to me when I begin petting and showing them affection. It’s like they have waited a long time for that kind of attention. After about 10-20 minutes they begin to lean in slightly to my touch. In my opinion, they seem much happier. They enjoy a little bit of love. I told Joe I would try not to come back with any animals, but these donkeys are stealing my heart! I can’t wait until one day when I can rescue these beautiful souls and show them a better life. In the meantime, I wonder how hard it is to transport donkeys to the UK 😀

What’s Love Got to Do With it?

Love can make people reach incredible limits or push them down a self-destructive spiral, plummeting to their deaths. Love can create wars, make us feel invincible, stretch boundaries, feel euphoria and sometimes change us to the core forever. I feel so grateful to have developed this in my life right now. Yes, dear friends, I am in love with a wonderful and amazing man. What moves me so much about my current experience is that it feels quite different than being in love when I was younger. Since I am now in my forties, love has become more of an extension or added bonus to my life. Something very casual and comfortable. A place where I can easily remain true to myself. I used to be quite dramatic about love and felt that my world was either collapsing or just beginning depending on which side of the coin was in my experience. Then later down the road, love became a very convenient escape. A charming prince was always there to rescue me on his white horse and take me to his castle to live far away from the lack of confidence, lack of money, lack of worthiness or other atrocities of the past that cluttered my world. This was my go-to fix for everything. I honestly believed I could do or become anything as long as I had that special someone standing beside me. I thought there was nothing wrong with this and honestly there isn’t up to a point. I took this to very extreme measures. It wasn’t until 2014 when yet another long-term relationship was ending and I was forced to take on a difficult self assessment. At that point I had a nearly 20-year dating history with not more than a month gap between romantic relationships. This was including my past marriage. No break. No time to feel whatever it was that I was so desperate to run away from. A convenient diversion. This is called a pattern and if it weren’t for a dear friend at the time who had background in psychotherapy, I probably never would have spotted it. I was so quick to fill the hole within with something or someone on the outside. This course of action is always destined to end in ruin. One thing we can never avoid or run away from are the past insecurities that we bring forward into our experience. They will always be there, like an undercurrent buried deep beneath the surface. Even if we cry, get angry or make someone else responsible for our feelings, they are always bright and alive in our present. I didn’t realize I was harboring anything, but that’s the funny thing about the subconscious. It remains hidden or compartmentalized in order to protect ourselves. These are often completely and entirely obvious to others. It takes a very reliable and often forceful mirror to show us that we are in fact in flight mode and acting from a sense of fear and pain. Which is a critical moment where if we do not make the decision to work on filling this hole ourselves, then we really aren’t truly living. Believe me, life can be oh so much sweeter when you live from your heart.

When I was in my mid-teens, I didn’t date much. I always wanted a boyfriend in high school, but never seemed to attract what I thought I wanted. I had many boy friends and a few offers to take the leap into the romantic realm, but it never seemed right. My mom would always tell me, “You will get a boyfriend when you aren’t looking for one.” At the time I just rolled my eyes ignoring the comment. But it isn’t until right now that I can truly appreciate the wisdom behind these words. Because anything we want desperately comes from a place of lack or fear. If you have kept up with my blog you know that I have certainly struggled in this area. Mostly in regards to money. Every time I thought about money I was immediately filled with a sense of dread. It was like being gutted by fear. This is not how we become deliberate creators. This is precisely how we attract more of the same over and over and over again. Currently, I am as far as I ever have been from attracting wealth, but I no longer stress about it. It doesn’t have the same consuming energy it once had. Which is how I know I am very close. We tend to look at our past and think our desires never happens for us because of our track record. But I’m breaking down these barriers and living from a state of abundance. I am really, truly feeling that I already have what I want. This is how I attracted Joe. I wasn’t even sure I wanted a partner until a few months ago. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve been in this place. I had to take a few years to fill my holes and find myself. I had no idea when it was going to happen but I inherently knew that my “next” partnership was going to be magnificent because I was no longer creating from a sense of lack or fear. My known doubts, worries, and past family histories have been dug up and expunged. It such an amazing contrast being in a relationship where both individuals are whole. I know we have only begun our journey, but the important thing is that if it doesn’t work out we will still remain whole. Sometimes the winds of life change and we are forced to focus on a different reality. At times this is important to embrace because this is how we fulfill our need to expand. Many times we have to hurt another in order to achieve a new perspective, a new experience. It takes courage to do this and I have so much honor and respect for those that are able to achieve this challenging endeavor. Regardless if there are children present or a more seemingly sense of obligation. We cannot teach, share or be there for others if we are not whole. This should be something we grasp onto and follow with an unrelenting force.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. Rumi

Sitting Back, Enjoying the Journey

I’ve been putting off writing lately. The only explanation that comes up is that I’ve been feeling so very wonderful lately! My vibration and energy has been incredibly high. So high that there are times when I feel euphoric. Making me remember my past struggles with alcohol and other drugs. Then so grateful and relieved that I will never again occupy that space. Life is meant to be sensed, explored, not numbed or avoided. Currently, I am in a beautiful home in Hampshire petsitting for the sweetest Labrador named Feena. Even though she is 8 y/o she has a lot of energy and we’ve been hiking between 2-4 hours everyday. There are a multitude of trails nearby and even more just a 10 minute drive away. Chewy has a big comfortable bed that he can enjoy all day/night until I interrupt him to go on walks and to eat. He has been getting a lot more sleep here. Sometimes he sleeps for over 20 hours a day! I think the poor guy is slowing down. I’m just happy I am able to enjoy him for as long as his journey may be. I am truly blessed. I have been doing at least an hour of yoga everyday in addition to sticking to my daily meditations. There really is such a thing as being spiritually fit. I have also been eating a paleo/keto diet for the past two weeks. Well, despite a mac’n cheese and chocolate indulgence I had on Valentines Day 🙂 It didn’t take me long to get back on track. Eating a low carb diet helps me feel less bloated, inflamed, and it makes my mind sharp. I don’t need as much sleep and have much more energy all throughout the day. Equally important it also stabilizes my moods and emotions as well. I just feel unstoppable. Ready for the next phase in my journey, which I am hoping, doesn’t lead me too far away. I am really feeling a desire to settle down for a while. Have a home that I love and maybe even someone to share it with me. I love traveling and will always be a world traveler. I think that after nearly 8 months I am finally enjoying the idea of slowing down. Unfortunately, with my UK Visa almost up, it is going to be tricky to be able to accomplish this. This is a monumental position for me as I have never been further from my goals, yet I am completely convinced that they are all going to work out and fall into place. It won’t help to worry so I am not. I am just concentrating on being in the space of feeling abundance and joy. It’s a fabulous place to be.

I hope that wherever you are located you are performing self-care and being kind to yourself. Sending love and positive vibes!!

Manifesting Success

I am pleased to say that I’ve found a healthy love for London as long as it is in small doses 🙂 London is vigorous and unrelenting. Whether it’s by car, train or bus, I always find it challenging to navigate the endless bustling city streets. Slow, fast, noisy, everyone is in constant motion. It’s like committing to drive on the interstate/ motorways. I don’t want to merge among the masses unless I have a clear understanding of where I want to go. This is how I feel about leaving my place of residence while I am in London. Like most people here, I am a huge proponent of the train system/Underground. It’s pretty easy to navigate and I’m very grateful for only having to carry one card to use all forms of public transportation. Most of the people I’ve encountered are nice and polite when I am asking them a question. However there is a chilling reticence among most of the travelers. This is not unlike other large cities I have traveled. Most people do not even look at each other even if their bodies are making physical contact. It’s not often words are exchanged and when they are other passengers quietly observe the intrusion. It is a busy and possibly exhausting dominion. I am very happy to have staying with my friend Dianna for the past five days. I have enjoyed myself immensely and much more than I did during my previous stay in November. It’s so satisfying to feel the warmth and familiarity with visiting a friend. I met Dianna in Boulder. She is a long-time Buddhist who was taking a course at The Boulder Shambala Center. She was renting a room in the same home as I was at the time. I only spent a couple weeks with Dianna, but I felt a connection with her and was thrilled to further deepen it during my journey. The last five days I was between housesits so this proved ample time to do just that. Dianna and I have made the most out of the week. We joined a meditation class at the London Shambala Center, listened to an amazing performance of Mozart Requiem and toured a fascinating art exhibit by Bill Viola. Not to mention all the wonderful meals and rich conversations that have been had.

I am grateful to have such wonderful experiences and a reprieve from housesitting. I also want to mention a couple of incidences that I created during my stay in London. The first was finally securing a UK bank account. I have been trying to achieve this since I purchased my car in mid-December. Here in the UK, they have recently cracked down on fraud and money laundering. Apparently, they had about 65 billion pounds between 2010-2014 that was moved out of Russia to the United Kingdom. Since I am housesitting and don’t have a permanent residence, this has been quite a difficult challenge for me to obtain a simple checking account. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been studying Neville Goddard and decided to apply a technique of his to enable me to achieve a UK bank account. The night before my appointment with Barclays I began a visualization exercise during SATS (state akin to sleep). This is when the body isn’t asleep, but almost. Sort of like a deep consciousness. I replayed the 5 second scene of me feeling happy and giving my cash to the bank teller. I tried to encompass all of my senses. The noise of talking, typing, and ambient noise. I visualized the man smiling as he took my notes for my deposit and our fingers brushed briefly. I concentrated on the feeling. I felt happy and relieved that I finally succeeding in procuring a UK bank account. The next day, I arrived at the bank for my appointment and the man was very nice but told me he couldn’t use my bank accounts from the US because they do not include account numbers on the statements. I thought I would have been upset or disappointed, but only felt confusion. I couldn’t understand why I was being rejected when I saw very clearly that I “already had” this account I was seeking. I walked back to Dianna’s and told her about my appointment. She immediately said, “Hang on, let me call my friend a second. I think I can help.” Dianna came back into the living room with a big smile on her face and told me about a conversation she had about two years ago. She was talking to her friend’s husband about a new online banking company he was developing with his partner. This bank’s purpose was to allow expatriates and immigrants the ability to have a bank account that was based in the United Kingdom! I looked it up, it’s called Monese and does exactly that. It is still insured since the physical money is handled by one of the High Banks (big banks). I did a bit of research myself and then was able to setup an account via video chat in about 10 minutes. Wow! I then went to the nearest post office to deposit my cash. I was and currently am so happy this worked out. All because I happened to mention this to Dianna, who happened to remember a lengthy conversation she had two years ago. She even said at the time she asked questions that his own family didn’t know and they were interested as well. It turned into a long discussion. I can’t make this stuff up! In the meantime, I am so very happy to have a place to put my money. If there is anyone out there that would like more information about Monese please contact me via PM.

This manifestation would have been enough, but my second one was even bigger for me. I had to leave London and arrive at my next housesit in Hampshire around 12pm/midday. As I was beginning to pack my car after saying goodbye to Dianna, suddenly my car key wasn’t working. I tried hitting the “unlock” button, but nothing was happening. I manually unlocked the door with the key and suddenly the alarm/horn started blaring on the busy street! Shit!! I couldn’t drive. I had just replaced the battery on the key fob and for some reason it wasn’t working now. Immediately, I felt the panic and dread coming into my awareness. But this time it was different. I mentally said, “NO!” I wasn’t going down that path, I know where that leads me. It is not going to help my situation. I was going to figure this out and everything was going to be okay. I went back into Dianna’s house and also told her, that it will all work out just fine, even though she could comprehend this was a big deal for me in the present. We looked for about 2 hours for my extra key. I combed through all of my suitcases, bags, pockets and Dianna helped me as well. All I could remember was that I used a zipper to secure the extra car key. She eventually had to leave to go visit a friend, but she gave me some sound advice before she left. “Just relax.” I remember thinking, she was right. But I didn’t have time for that. I needed to figure this out so that I could drive to the family that was already awaiting my arrival. I called several lock smiths and they either didn’t call me back or told me they probably wouldn’t be able to help me. I watched videos and tried to reprogram the fob to the car over and over and over. But it didn’t help, I still wasn’t able to drive. I searched online ad nauseam about reprogramming car fobs for a Hyundai Coupe. The sites were mentioning that this was a common issue with this type car whenever the battery is changed. Often they need to install an entirely new locking system. Sheesh! It has now been almost 3 hours. Still at square one. I finally took the advice and just sat still. I meditated for 10 minutes. This was incredibly difficult, but I was successful and able to completely let it go. After the 10 minutes, I visualized myself walking out to my car and unzipping something and finding my key. Then I would start my car and drive away. I really honed in on the feeling of celebration. I did this scene over and over until it felt very real. I opened my eyes and immediately felt better. Because I had my extra key. It was within my possession at that very moment. I even smiled as I went out to my car. I randomly decided to feel under the passenger seat, nothing. I walked over and did the same to the drivers seat and there I felt the sunglasses case that unzipped and revealed my extra car key. This feeling I had when I saw this key was a combination of celebration, jubilance and disbelief. It was phenomenal. I suddenly felt incredibly powerful!! I shoved the key into the ignition and it started right up. It’s like that moment in a movie where Hallelujah starts playing. This was happening to me! I know some of you might be thinking, “big deal, you found your key,” or “of course you found them when you stopped running around.” You’re right! The only way we are able to evolve is to change our thoughts. This was the first time in my life, I didn’t fall apart during a crisis. I could feel the emotions, but only for a second and was successfully able to let them go and feel into the awareness of knowing I had the keys in my possession. Right then and there I changed my belief despite searching for the keys for three hours. In that moment after quieting my mind, I knew I had them in my possession, I could feel them in my fingers and felt the familiar bumps with my thumb. I was able to change my thoughts, which of course, changed my belief. A belief is only a thought that we keep thinking. Nothing more. We are truly more powerful than we have the ability to understand. I now feel so empowered to continue my journey. Knowing that I (like everyone else) carry this power. There is no end to what I can achieve or experience. I can have it all.

 

Worthiness

As I mentioned in my last post, self love is the Number One lesson to master within ourselves. No matter what. We all make mistakes, sometimes we are hard on ourselves and may even question our goals and future. This is fine as long as we consistently come back to expressing self compassion and love beyond absolutely anything. Loving myself unconditionally is the main reason I am able to experience an abundance of happiness. Do not ever falter with this lesson. Number Two is to never ever care what other people think. No one else knows your history, your journey, your perspective which is more valuable than any words I could write down. The final lesson, Number Three, is to always express gratitude which I will cover more at a later date. What is currently in my experience are that the first two lessons often go hand-in-hand. Maybe you can relate if you’ve ever listened to a critical/toxic person. When I am faced with this person I have trouble blocking them out. Even if I don’t accept what they say in that moment, I may still carry their words or observation with me. Then later, because of attraction, I am provided with a situation in which these previously false accusations become real within my experience. In the past, when this would happen I would blame myself, thinking, “Oh no, they were right!” then I would begin to question my worthiness. Believe me when I say, without self worth and self compassion, we can’t get anywhere. It’s like a giant Jenga game in that it only can end in collapse. Where if I had not attached myself to their belief to begin with, even subconsciously, then it would not have come into my experience. It would have just died in that moment and forever buried. In a way, disconnecting myself from others’ beliefs and judgements is a great way to practice self love.

As always, the reason this has come up with me is because of an encounter I had just the other day. I am currently in the Lake District in the northern part of England. I am so thrilled and grateful to be here right now to witness the extraordinary landscape. Miles and miles of green hills divided by ancient stone walls giving a glimpse of the fear and turmoil that was alive in earlier times. There are primeval buildings that have been standing for centuries surrounded by a backdrop of snow capped mountains. It’s been a bit cold, 30-40s F with on and off snow and rain. But the spectacular setting more than makes up for it. Also, since I’m about four hours away from London, it’s not very crowded here. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying my quiet hikes with Luci, the Spaniel I am looking after. We are right on the edge of Lake District National Park which I’ve visited multiple times. Since I am so close to Scotland, I am able to partake in the very similar scenery and weather. Friday I went on a hiking date in this area. He was a very nice man who was also very knowledgeable about the local environment since he grew up and still lives in nearby York. I had such a good time learning about the history of the Vikings landing here from Norway in search of more fertile land. He also mentioned that it is currently lambing season Feb/March and the female sheep are already pregnant and getting very full bellies. This was good to know to ensure that Luci didn’t try and chase after them. I would hate to cause them even more discomfort as their lives were already quite severe living amongst perpetual winds and frequent rainfall. Luci reminds me more of a border collie than a spaniel. She was in her element dashing up and down the hillsides and into the wet bogs that surrounded us below. There were tree spouts that were recently planted, but in order to grow in such volatile conditions they are encased in plastic tubes attached along wooden poles. This area reminded me of Norway. In fact, the long narrow lakes that fill the park were formed the same way as the glacial melt fjords of the Nordic Country.

I had such a great time learning about the area and it was nice to finally get answers to questions I’ve had ever since I came to England. With driving, hiking, and eventually dinner, my date and I ended up spending the entire day together. We had many similarities as far as authentic creating and I thoroughly enjoyed the spiritual connection. The next day morning he texted me that he was glad to have met me and wished me well on my future journey. I told him I welcomed having a conversation again even just as friends, but to no avail. He wasn’t interested in seeing me again. Huh? As an answer as to why, he wrote that what I am currently doing is extremely difficult and it will likely be a long journey before I can be comfortable. Well, I guess he knows all about my experiences?? I was offended that he just assumed that my life was “extremely difficult.” Not to mention the shock cutting off any future engagements. I get that my current lifestyle is unappealing to some. But I feel like I’m finally figuring it out. It’s hard to imagine how just conversing would affect someone else’s experience. Right away, I began to feel not worthy of anyone’s attention. I suddenly went from courageous world traveler to feeling like a charity case. Fortunately, I am very proud to say this didn’t last long. I quickly realized thinking of myself in this way didn’t feel good and wasn’t loving. I knew that whatever was triggering me in the moment I didn’t fully understand. But the direction my thinking was headed wasn’t helping my current emotional state. So I distracted myself! I got outside again, then starting creating a new face lotion, cranked up the music and sang along. It felt so good to do these other activities. It was all a great way to nurture self love. I have slowly started looking at the situation differently. I am becoming more and more accepting for people to show up with what is available to them and no more. I’m clearing out old, ungratifying friendships and beginning to finally accept people for who they are and not for who I want them to be. If someone shows up for me for a minute, a day or a month, I am grateful for that connection. I’m letting go expectations and arrogations of others. This has been a long time coming and absolutely necessary in order for me to move forward and make successful bonds in the future. Sometimes we just need to surrender and accept where we are regarding another person. We can’t push them into a box as we can’t even begin to understand their experience and purpose. The only thing we can control is how we feel about ourselves. It’s like shedding old skin to be able to let go of tightly held people and beliefs. I’m allowing myself to move forward and keep continuing on my journey. It may look like chaos from the outside, but that doesn’t matter. I know I am headed towards tranquillity even if I can’t display that on the surface. I am so grateful for this date I had and for always looking for opporunities to be more self aware. These lessons are helping me get to understandings more quickly. I am certainly worth that.

Happiness in the Face of Contrast

It’s pretty easy to keep a positive outlook and feel an abundance of happiness when my outside world is reflecting the same. I am overjoyed when I am staying in large comfortable mansions, surrounded by beautiful gardens and warm, supportive people. But what about when I’m not in these positive environments? Of course it is much harder for me to experience joy and bliss. Because I am focused on what is, instead of what could be. Which in turn only creates more of the same. I’ve sort of been stuck in this pattern since leaving Devon. Leaving the sweet dog, Amber who I will always love and miss. My next housesitting assignment had the most gorgeous pictures and I was very optimistic about it. I even did FaceTime with the owner but she only showed me one room of her place. Believe me, it is very difficult to know what I am getting into ahead of time. Many times owners take photos of the outside landscape and structures which are always beautiful. Only later I figure out the barn has been converted into 6 or 7 different homes. Skype and FT help, but it’s still impossible to get the breadth of someone’s home without actually being there in person. Anyway, Chewy and I were happy to go to Dorset for one week before heading to the Lake District. When we arrived, the address was titled “Laundry Cottage.” This should have been a red flag! The home ended up being a very tiny 2-bedroom apartment with only the dusty, clogged fireplace to provide heat in the main rooms. I don’t normally have a problem with a home that is smaller, but I was also sharing the space with a 2 y/o lab, Beetle, who hadn’t been trained much at all and demanded constant attention. My bedroom was upstairs and thankfully had a radiator that came on in the early mornings for a few hours. With the help of hot water bottles I was able to keep Chewy warm for most of the day. But more often than not he was shaking from the cool, crisp air that never left the small home. The thermostat was always between 50-60 deg Fahrenheit. The very cramped kitchen wasn’t very well equipped for cooking nor very clean. The water had some mysterious “minerals” that came out of the tap that I would accidentally crunch down on sometimes when drinking my morning tea. I would have assumed that due to the name of the place, it would have been suitable to do my laundry comfortably. Nope, not at all. The clothes washer didn’t appear to be working properly and there was no dryer, nor any space to lay out clothes to dry. So I held out and waited to clean my clothes until my next assignment. I was also in charge of a mostly feral cat who came in and out as he pleased through the cat door. On the first morning he came in with a large rat. I immediately screamed so he grabbed the poor disembowled animal and flew back out through the flapping door. All I could think of was, “Where the hell am I and how did I get here??”

Fortunately, during my stay here is when I dove into the teachings of Neville Goddard. He was a philosopher from the 1950s who centered around The Law of Attraction and Christianity. Here is where I began learning about how to change my outlook despite what the current environment was providing for me. Neville’s words teach about how we are all apart of God and we all have the ability to live our lives in any direction that we choose. Rich, poor, happy, negative, we have created it all. Most importantly, each of us already possesses the power to change this. His books center around specific techniques and compares passages of the Bible. Neville’s current following is bigger than ever despite his death in the early 70s. In his eyes, the bible never refers to actual physical people like Peter, Luke, John, etc. He saw these names, commandments and stories as a way for us to interpret this main belief. According to Neville, you are God, I am God, we are all God and through imagination and feeling we employ the most potent forms of expressing this Godhood. Neville goes through the bible and provides his translation, for example, the command, “thou shalt not take the name of thy lord in vain.” As a child, I was taught this meant to not say things like, “Goddamnit,” or one of my personal favorites, “Jesus Fucking Christ!” 🙂 But if we are God, then instead this would mean, do not talk against ourselves. Do not speak or think ill of our own self. I’ve said this many times, loving ourselves and experiencing self-compassion is THE most important thing I have learned. Period. Needless to say, Neville’s teachings hit a chord. Some of you that know me are probably thinking, “Why is Jess quoting the Bible?” Truthfully, I was very resistant to Neville’s teachings almost two years ago when I was introduced to him. That resistance was solely because of my judgements on Christianity. It sort of felt like going backwards. But the great thing about Neville’s teachings is you don’t have to be Christian. In fact, he says we need to let go of our prejudices about any and all religions in order to be free. His instructions and teachings are successful without the whole God affect. So if you are like me, just take away the religion and look at the meaning. The Time is Now. Live in the present. Everything I want and desire, I should just assume that I already have it.

“To be conscious of being poor while praying for riches is to be rewarded with that which you are conscious of being, namely, poverty. Prayers to be successful must be claimed and appropriated. Assume the positive consciousness of the thing desired.” Neville Goddard

Neville calls this starting from the end and this, my friends, is what has helped me through the rough moments that are currently within my experience. If I am having a hard time and not happy with my physical surroundings, I just imagine they are different. Harnessing the feeling of having what I want is the catalyst of it showing up in the physical. I get this seems a little delusional, I still have all kinds of mental blocks that I’m in the process of extinguishing. This goes against everything I was ever taught. But just like everything else that is new to me, I can’t judge what I don’t understand. I’m willing to try this out and hone in on the feeling of being in love with a wonderful man that is devoted to me. I am surrounded by friends that accept me no matter what and all the while I can enjoy the financial abundance that is within my power to induce. After all, everything we want is because we believe we will feel better in the having of it. What if we just feel better before we actually, physically have it?

Despite my rough start in Dorset I ended up having a good time. Beetle was a great hiker and I was more than happy to take her out 4-5 miles each day mainly to encourage her to not chew up my things! She was very sweet and the cat, Pudi was also a bit of a hiker as well. He often followed us pretty far along the trail. All in all I am grateful for the experience because I’ve never felt so sure about my future until right now. Once again I am grateful for all that life has given me.

 

 

Sometimes We All Have to Vent

The past few days have really been crummy and I’m having trouble alerting my mindset. Sure, I was ghosted by someone that I cared about. This brought up plenty of emotions and unkind thoughts, most of them were a waste of time. I couldn’t help but think of possible reasons for why Farukh decided to drop me. I noticed on more than one occasion the need to practice self-love since I didn’t like the reasonings I was coming up with. We are always our own worst critic and I’ve learned when thinking about myself in a negative light this only leads to more self deprecation. So I’ve been getting outside and doing yoga. I’m already hooked on the 30 day yoga challenge with Adriene on Youtube. If you were ever thinking about getting into yoga, this is a great way to begin. I’m trying to get over the feeling inferior hump, so I’m hoping that after writing a bit today I will be able purge any negativity I have left, out of my consciousness forever! HA!

Thanks to Farukh, I have a new red flag to be aware of when I begin dating someone. I am absolutely not interested in spending time with someone that is addicted to their phone. It’s much bigger than a person just checking their likes on Instagram. Let me try and explain. Our phones have become our masks. As soon as we glance down at them, we completely tune out to what is happening in the present. It’s the most convenient way to hide oneself in plain sight. Why do we need to be protected? There can be 100 people in a room and if the average person doesn’t have someone to connect with, their default is to view something random on their phone phone that they’re not going to remember after five seconds. It’s like we’re given a free pass to not have to participate in society. However, it doesn’t take much for us to realize that we are the ones that are suffering exponentially. I used to be more active on social media so I get it. It feels good to get a “like” or someone laughs at a post, etc. I also get that it can be easy to be lazy and not get out of my comfort zone. Twenty years ago, we would have had to get up and go talk to one of those 100 people in the room just to pass the time. Imagine, before having an electronic mask at your disposal and your choices at a gathering are to just sit and watch people or assemble enough courage to talk to someone. Maybe you would come up with a clever starter on the spot! Yikes, it was hard. It sometimes would create rejection or odd looks. But the point is, we were practicing relating to one another. I don’t think it would surprise anyone to say social media makes us terrible at developing authentic connections. I believe we all know this. I’ve had this very conversation with people who were simultaneously browsing with their phones. Because, I say this with experience, something we definitely succeed at in our society is denial. At what point does this become a real problem? We all know this doesn’t make us happier in the long-term. Many of us know that society will probably have some serious long-lasting repercussions. Yet, we still don’t stop. Most people don’t even slow down. If you look through the generations of “unacceptable” behaviors in large doses you could say, people can watch too much television or drink heavily or play video games. These activities were/are easy to identify that they need parameters and can’t be indulged in 24/7. However our phones are showing the opposite to be true. Individuals aren’t putting limitations or restrictions, if anything we are sharing apps and showing one another posts as a way to interact. Again providing only these superficial conversations. We hold tightly to these because we’re afraid I think. Even though we know a puppy GIF isn’t going to make us “really” happy, we don’t know where else to turn to fill this void. So we’re okay with the false sense of happiness while in the meantime we struggle in our real lives to find our true joy. I can’t tell you how many people I talk to who don’t even know where to start on living a happy life. Because we’re already so bad at keeping these connections with each other. We show up to work to talk about the weather, the game, drinking, The Bachelor etc. We have no one to talk with about our fears, dreams, or what we strive to become. But when it comes down to it, humans are pretty easy to understand. The thing we all have in common is, we all want to be seen and heard and preferably understood. If not, then what’s the point of existence? Unfortunately, this is something our society is so out of practice on, that we don’t even realize it’s missing. Those of you that are currently working in an office/cubicle right now, could you imagine asking the next person that comes up to your desk, “What single event has had the biggest impact on your life?” They would probably look at you like you are taking crazy pills. What comes up for you just thinking about asking someone, who you spend almost half your life with everyday, this very question or one like it? Yes, it feels very edgy. But also, don’t you kinda want to know the answer? We are all incredible and unique beings that are all very special in that no one else shares our perspective. The most efficient thing we have to bridge the gap of understanding these individual perspectives is the spoken word. I look back on my life and I was far better at having these conversations with people when I was in college. In fact, some of the relationships I still have from these days have completely changed direction. Twenty years ago we would ask one another questions like, “What makes someone truly evil?” or “What keeps you up at night?” and my personal favorite, “What lies do you most often tell yourself?” We would stay up all night discussing these different themes and all the while, we were creating a stronger bond between us. Today the people are the same, but the conversations are much more superficial. You could say that’s because we are now living our life instead of just pontificating on how it could be. But this seems like an excuse. We don’t because we’re just bad at it. We haven’t practiced talking to others like this in a while or maybe ever.

I am certainly not the best at striking up deep conversations with complete strangers, but I’ve recently realized that I miss these types of exchanges. My friend Bernice commiserated this with me since we are both traveling. She challenged me to work on having more meaningful communication with others. Sort of like researching the best methods of conversing. Then we’re going to report back on our findings. It’s not until this very moment that I really took this seriously. I’m going to practice this! There’s only one way to get good at something or learning a new skill. Perhaps you should try this too? It’s going to be uncomfortable at first, but I promise you, we will all benefit from having deeper connections with one another.