I’m almost packed and ready to move ahead with my new life back in Colorado. I am sad, but ready to take the plunge. Positivity and confidence are my main fuel source at present and I’m trying to burn them as copiously as possible while approaching my next steps. Why is this so hard? I have had two friends recently inform me that there is a surprising adjustment between living abroad for an extended time and then coming back to the US. I already feel this in my body, in my soul. Uncertainty continues to poke its head into my every frame of being. There isn’t a moment that passes where I’m not caught up in the reverie of where I’m going to live, buy clothes, get a car or a job. All of which is out there right now for the taking. Even though this is the land that I left, I am entering it a stranger in many ways. Very few of my old friends are able to reach out with support. There is nothing more humbling than asking to sleep on someone’s couch and the most I could scrounge up were three nights. Please, please don’t feel sorry for me! This is life and most people have continued on with their own as they should. I completely understand and am not feeling resentment in any way. I expected this in many ways. How strange, to travel alone within four different countries, only to come back to feeling true solitude. Imagine the feeling of being completely in debt with only the items I can fit in my suitcase. How does one pack for a new life? Again, I want to be very clear that I do not desire pity or remorse. I made these choices and I will never regret them. I merely ask you to be present and see what comes up for you when your eyes cross over the words. It’s surprising, but there is a lot of raw power when I am stripped down from things or people that were once apart of my normalcy. It turns out my material possessions aren’t important. I have things I carry with me that I am attached to, but even those I can leave behind without much after thought. Friends, family, people we think will show up for us even in our darkest days turn out to only be another belief. A nice thought that gives us comfort. Ultimately, they can change as easily as the wind when timing and circumstances come into play. I think it’s important to happily (with joy and appreciation) let them all go, along with any other evidence of my old ways of thinking. Ask anyone of a certain age and they will affirm that everyone will eventually fade away. The only thing that ties us to this world is our love and compassion for ourselves.
It is a good feeling to be able to look at this fear head-on instead of crumbling beneath its weight. I am basking in it. Right now, in this very exposed, vulnerable moment I have the realization that nothing can hurt me. I know the key to creating an abundant life is as easy as opening myself up to it. I have the capabilities of excelling within a career that brings me happiness. While working alongside coworkers that I will enjoy and respect. I look forward to sharing brunches with new friends who are more closely aligned with my compassion and morales. It makes me smile to think about living with someone that appreciates the warmth and laughter I bring into a home. All the while loving myself enough to let it all in. I no longer have to live feeling trapped or locked in chains of fate or the belief that shit just happens. We all create our own world every minute of everyday. I am so grateful for the tremendous feat of understanding this on essentially every level.
Since I’m on the topic of gratitude, I am very fortunate to have a big powerhouse in my corner. Joe will never allow me to be homeless. His love and support has have given me courage to pursue anything I wish to accomplish. He has allowed me to settle in to the perspective that anything is achievable. I foresee remarkably fabulous times ahead.