Love can make people reach incredible limits or push them down a self-destructive spiral, plummeting to their deaths. Love can create wars, make us feel invincible, stretch boundaries, feel euphoria and sometimes change us to the core forever. I feel so grateful to have developed this in my life right now. Yes, dear friends, I am in love with a wonderful and amazing man. What moves me so much about my current experience is that it feels quite different than being in love when I was younger. Since I am now in my forties, love has become more of an extension or added bonus to my life. Something very casual and comfortable. A place where I can easily remain true to myself. I used to be quite dramatic about love and felt that my world was either collapsing or just beginning depending on which side of the coin was in my experience. Then later down the road, love became a very convenient escape. A charming prince was always there to rescue me on his white horse and take me to his castle to live far away from the lack of confidence, lack of money, lack of worthiness or other atrocities of the past that cluttered my world. This was my go-to fix for everything. I honestly believed I could do or become anything as long as I had that special someone standing beside me. I thought there was nothing wrong with this and honestly there isn’t up to a point. I took this to very extreme measures. It wasn’t until 2014 when yet another long-term relationship was ending and I was forced to take on a difficult self assessment. At that point I had a nearly 20-year dating history with not more than a month gap between romantic relationships. This was including my past marriage. No break. No time to feel whatever it was that I was so desperate to run away from. A convenient diversion. This is called a pattern and if it weren’t for a dear friend at the time who had background in psychotherapy, I probably never would have spotted it. I was so quick to fill the hole within with something or someone on the outside. This course of action is always destined to end in ruin. One thing we can never avoid or run away from are the past insecurities that we bring forward into our experience. They will always be there, like an undercurrent buried deep beneath the surface. Even if we cry, get angry or make someone else responsible for our feelings, they are always bright and alive in our present. I didn’t realize I was harboring anything, but that’s the funny thing about the subconscious. It remains hidden or compartmentalized in order to protect ourselves. These are often completely and entirely obvious to others. It takes a very reliable and often forceful mirror to show us that we are in fact in flight mode and acting from a sense of fear and pain. Which is a critical moment where if we do not make the decision to work on filling this hole ourselves, then we really aren’t truly living. Believe me, life can be oh so much sweeter when you live from your heart.
When I was in my mid-teens, I didn’t date much. I always wanted a boyfriend in high school, but never seemed to attract what I thought I wanted. I had many boy friends and a few offers to take the leap into the romantic realm, but it never seemed right. My mom would always tell me, “You will get a boyfriend when you aren’t looking for one.” At the time I just rolled my eyes ignoring the comment. But it isn’t until right now that I can truly appreciate the wisdom behind these words. Because anything we want desperately comes from a place of lack or fear. If you have kept up with my blog you know that I have certainly struggled in this area. Mostly in regards to money. Every time I thought about money I was immediately filled with a sense of dread. It was like being gutted by fear. This is not how we become deliberate creators. This is precisely how we attract more of the same over and over and over again. Currently, I am as far as I ever have been from attracting wealth, but I no longer stress about it. It doesn’t have the same consuming energy it once had. Which is how I know I am very close. We tend to look at our past and think our desires never happens for us because of our track record. But I’m breaking down these barriers and living from a state of abundance. I am really, truly feeling that I already have what I want. This is how I attracted Joe. I wasn’t even sure I wanted a partner until a few months ago. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve been in this place. I had to take a few years to fill my holes and find myself. I had no idea when it was going to happen but I inherently knew that my “next” partnership was going to be magnificent because I was no longer creating from a sense of lack or fear. My known doubts, worries, and past family histories have been dug up and expunged. It such an amazing contrast being in a relationship where both individuals are whole. I know we have only begun our journey, but the important thing is that if it doesn’t work out we will still remain whole. Sometimes the winds of life change and we are forced to focus on a different reality. At times this is important to embrace because this is how we fulfill our need to expand. Many times we have to hurt another in order to achieve a new perspective, a new experience. It takes courage to do this and I have so much honor and respect for those that are able to achieve this challenging endeavor. Regardless if there are children present or a more seemingly sense of obligation. We cannot teach, share or be there for others if we are not whole. This should be something we grasp onto and follow with an unrelenting force.
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. Rumi