Worthiness

As I mentioned in my last post, self love is the Number One lesson to master within ourselves. No matter what. We all make mistakes, sometimes we are hard on ourselves and may even question our goals and future. This is fine as long as we consistently come back to expressing self compassion and love beyond absolutely anything. Loving myself unconditionally is the main reason I am able to experience an abundance of happiness. Do not ever falter with this lesson. Number Two is to never ever care what other people think. No one else knows your history, your journey, your perspective which is more valuable than any words I could write down. The final lesson, Number Three, is to always express gratitude which I will cover more at a later date. What is currently in my experience are that the first two lessons often go hand-in-hand. Maybe you can relate if you’ve ever listened to a critical/toxic person. When I am faced with this person I have trouble blocking them out. Even if I don’t accept what they say in that moment, I may still carry their words or observation with me. Then later, because of attraction, I am provided with a situation in which these previously false accusations become real within my experience. In the past, when this would happen I would blame myself, thinking, “Oh no, they were right!” then I would begin to question my worthiness. Believe me when I say, without self worth and self compassion, we can’t get anywhere. It’s like a giant Jenga game in that it only can end in collapse. Where if I had not attached myself to their belief to begin with, even subconsciously, then it would not have come into my experience. It would have just died in that moment and forever buried. In a way, disconnecting myself from others’ beliefs and judgements is a great way to practice self love.

As always, the reason this has come up with me is because of an encounter I had just the other day. I am currently in the Lake District in the northern part of England. I am so thrilled and grateful to be here right now to witness the extraordinary landscape. Miles and miles of green hills divided by ancient stone walls giving a glimpse of the fear and turmoil that was alive in earlier times. There are primeval buildings that have been standing for centuries surrounded by a backdrop of snow capped mountains. It’s been a bit cold, 30-40s F with on and off snow and rain. But the spectacular setting more than makes up for it. Also, since I’m about four hours away from London, it’s not very crowded here. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying my quiet hikes with Luci, the Spaniel I am looking after. We are right on the edge of Lake District National Park which I’ve visited multiple times. Since I am so close to Scotland, I am able to partake in the very similar scenery and weather. Friday I went on a hiking date in this area. He was a very nice man who was also very knowledgeable about the local environment since he grew up and still lives in nearby York. I had such a good time learning about the history of the Vikings landing here from Norway in search of more fertile land. He also mentioned that it is currently lambing season Feb/March and the female sheep are already pregnant and getting very full bellies. This was good to know to ensure that Luci didn’t try and chase after them. I would hate to cause them even more discomfort as their lives were already quite severe living amongst perpetual winds and frequent rainfall. Luci reminds me more of a border collie than a spaniel. She was in her element dashing up and down the hillsides and into the wet bogs that surrounded us below. There were tree spouts that were recently planted, but in order to grow in such volatile conditions they are encased in plastic tubes attached along wooden poles. This area reminded me of Norway. In fact, the long narrow lakes that fill the park were formed the same way as the glacial melt fjords of the Nordic Country.

I had such a great time learning about the area and it was nice to finally get answers to questions I’ve had ever since I came to England. With driving, hiking, and eventually dinner, my date and I ended up spending the entire day together. We had many similarities as far as authentic creating and I thoroughly enjoyed the spiritual connection. The next day morning he texted me that he was glad to have met me and wished me well on my future journey. I told him I welcomed having a conversation again even just as friends, but to no avail. He wasn’t interested in seeing me again. Huh? As an answer as to why, he wrote that what I am currently doing is extremely difficult and it will likely be a long journey before I can be comfortable. Well, I guess he knows all about my experiences?? I was offended that he just assumed that my life was “extremely difficult.” Not to mention the shock cutting off any future engagements. I get that my current lifestyle is unappealing to some. But I feel like I’m finally figuring it out. It’s hard to imagine how just conversing would affect someone else’s experience. Right away, I began to feel not worthy of anyone’s attention. I suddenly went from courageous world traveler to feeling like a charity case. Fortunately, I am very proud to say this didn’t last long. I quickly realized thinking of myself in this way didn’t feel good and wasn’t loving. I knew that whatever was triggering me in the moment I didn’t fully understand. But the direction my thinking was headed wasn’t helping my current emotional state. So I distracted myself! I got outside again, then starting creating a new face lotion, cranked up the music and sang along. It felt so good to do these other activities. It was all a great way to nurture self love. I have slowly started looking at the situation differently. I am becoming more and more accepting for people to show up with what is available to them and no more. I’m clearing out old, ungratifying friendships and beginning to finally accept people for who they are and not for who I want them to be. If someone shows up for me for a minute, a day or a month, I am grateful for that connection. I’m letting go expectations and arrogations of others. This has been a long time coming and absolutely necessary in order for me to move forward and make successful bonds in the future. Sometimes we just need to surrender and accept where we are regarding another person. We can’t push them into a box as we can’t even begin to understand their experience and purpose. The only thing we can control is how we feel about ourselves. It’s like shedding old skin to be able to let go of tightly held people and beliefs. I’m allowing myself to move forward and keep continuing on my journey. It may look like chaos from the outside, but that doesn’t matter. I know I am headed towards tranquillity even if I can’t display that on the surface. I am so grateful for this date I had and for always looking for opporunities to be more self aware. These lessons are helping me get to understandings more quickly. I am certainly worth that.

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