Surrendering

I am in the process of recovering from a nasty bout of strep throat. I’ve only had strep one other time when I was about 16 years of age. Fortunately, I was well enough to drive Traci to the airport in London and back on Friday. I can’t help but wonder, how did I catch this? It’s not like I’ve been around tons of people lately, none of them have been sick. Now that I have embraced the fact that all of life is made of vibrations, well, why did I attract this? Not to mention a whole host of other oddities I have also attracted the last couple of days, but I’ll come back to these later. What I often learn from being sick is to just slow down. I was doing so much driving while Traci was visiting. Which I was more than happy to do. We saw and experienced so many things while she was here. We went to Stonehenge on the Solstice, played on the beach, visited Otters, got tattoos, enjoyed London, hiked with the dogs many times, shared amazing food and spent time with some incredible people during her stay here. Christmas morning was such a great memory that will forever be embedded into my mind. Traci, Farukh and I all opened presents and shared stories and memories of the past. Traci started talking to Farukh about the Law of Attraction and other interesting things we are currently practicing. We went for a hike with the dogs while we waited for the local pub to open. Once it opened we chatted with a few locals and then quickly figured out they weren’t serving food. So we left and drove around, calling place after place, not finding anything open on Christmas Day. We finally came to an Inn about 4 miles from the house and we asked a couple if they were serving food. They said no, but the “Welcome Stranger Inn” had setup a feast for anyone to come and join in. Perfect! We arrived and there was a full turkey, potatoes, seafood, cheese and lots more. It was incredible. All for free. The three of us sat down enjoying the splendor and hardly believing our luck at having found such a wonderful place. When we returned back to the house, it wasn’t quite the same. We had to say goodbye to Farukh since he had to make the arduous drive back to London to be with his son. Little did I know that this goodbye, was much more abiding than I ever could have imagined.

Today I am on the couch with two dogs, watching Netflix and taking my cough syrup, tea and Lemsip every couple of hours. I’m still recovering from some shocking news that happened the night before. My friend for over 12 years decided to no longer continue our friendship. She had already began being very distant from me since I left the country. It always felt like a struggle to call or get her to text me back. I guess I just thought she’d be one of those friends who would always be there for me. She stated, surprisingly in her text, that our relationship hasn’t been healthy for either one of us the past few years. Wow, I certainly didn’t feel this way. There was no other explanation given. Now the old me, would have immediately taken this news personally and quickly become the victim of not being good enough and huddled into a messy gooey pile of shame and abandonment. The old me would have hurried to the nearest dispensary to smoke all my troubles and despair away. Not this time. I’m proud to say that I had my moment of sadness and tears, but not for long. Very quickly, I chose to see this as an opportunity to grow and look at the situation from a different angle. There are no mistakes. My friend, had her own perspective on our relationship and she was certainly allowed this even though it was not lined up with mine. Friendships sometimes end, even close ones. That is okay. This gives us both the space we needed to welcome and enjoy new friendships. Ones where we share more commonalities and are able to be heard more effectively. It’s better for all of us to enjoy friendships that we are more aligned with. I’ve learned within the past month that if I am in a relationship dynamic that is somehow holding me from my desires, then it is no longer serving me. I have to let it go. Surrender, stop holding onto it for the sake of not feeling alone. If this is how my friend feels then by all means I won’t make her feel bad for making a choice that was right for her. If anything, I am proud of her. She will always hold a special place in my heart and we never know what the future holds. Perhaps we will meet again someday when we’re older, grayer and wiser. 🙂

Which brings me to my most recent attraction which has been going on for several days, but I am finally able to to see it for what it is. It seems the most common way to end a relationship in today’s society is to never actually end it and to just disappear into the void. Farukh has been radio silent since last Thursday. After nearly 8 weeks of daily iterations of, “good morning” and “good night” texts. Since December 28th, I have received nothing. Which of course, left me wondering if I spent enough time with him while he was here or was I too distracted by the dogs, or was it a mistake to finally give him the site to my blog, then again maybe he just finally got tired of making the tedious drive to come visit me. I’ll probably never know. What’s even worse is, what if he was hit by a bus? I’ll never know. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am 40 years old and have just been ghosted. But I can’t write what I did above about my friend without having some understanding as to why this happened. He, just like my friend, had to surrender and let go of what was standing in the way of him reaching his own desires and happiness. I would never want to willingly be this obstacle to anyone. It is disappointing that he didn’t have the courage or believe I had the understanding to be able to end with a conversation. But I guess, we can’t blame others for taking the easy road. If anything, it provides more evidence that his decision was better for the both of us. Thank You, Next?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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